I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
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i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
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I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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