My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
