i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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