The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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