did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
