I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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