It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
