My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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