All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
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