Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
