Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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