Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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