A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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