I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
