A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
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You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
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I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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