you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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