my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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