oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
