I am midnight drunk by noon
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
