you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
