I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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