You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
