Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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