My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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