oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
