Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
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