Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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