I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
