im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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