i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
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I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
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It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
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