someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Sext me about skeletons
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
