and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
