Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Randomize
