It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
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Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
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I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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