sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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