Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize