Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
