She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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