FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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