A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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