I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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