um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
be right there i have to get my cape
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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