One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
