I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
