My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Randomize
