My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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