I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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