I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
