he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
zippers are such a cool invention
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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