I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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