$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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