he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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