My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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