Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Randomize
