If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
