hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
