operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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