Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
